18-year old Richard Fader has felt neglected throughout his eighteen years of life on this planet. He has recently sought attention through telling humorous anecdotes to his equally sad and bitter co-workers. “He brightens my otherwise dismal and somber work-day,” said Gary Hart, Richard’s 48-year old boss. “He’s kind of funny, I guess,” said Carrie Anderson, Richard’s 34-year old co-worker. When asked if they think Richard should pursue comedy as a profession they both replied in unison, “No, God, No. Don’t give him any ideas.” Richard is cobbling together an open-mic stand-up set currently. He plans on sharing his hilarious wiener dog story with the public. He also plans on shedding light on the differences between white and black people.
The face of a generation…
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BACK HANDY’S SHALLOW THOUGHTS
DEAF PEOPLE GET THE SILENT TREATMENT FROM EVERYONE.
I’M A BIG DOORS FAN, ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY AREN’T LOCKED.
MY BRAND OF V-NECK CARGO SHORTS NEVER REALLY CAUGHT ON
I’M CREATING A T.G.I.FRIDAYS SPIN-OFF CHAIN OF RESTURANTS CALLED: “F*CK NO, IT’S TUESDAYS.”
SPOILER ALERT FOR LIFE: YOU DIE IN THE END.
HOBO CHILI IS MY FAVORITE SNACK NOT APPROVED BY THE FDA.
MY DAD IS SO CHEAP, EATING RAMEN NOODLES WITH A SPORK IS HIS WAY OF SAYING: “HAPPY BIRTHDAY SON.”
I WOULD HAVE RESPECT FOR NON-CONFORMISTS IF THEY DIDN’T ALL DRESS THE SAME.
MR. PIBB IS DR. PEPPER’S LAZY NEPHEW WHO NEVER FINISHED HIS DEGREE.
JACK AND THE BEANSTALK
THERE ONCE WAS A BOY NAMED JACK
HE PLANTED SOME MAGIC BEANS.
THE BEANS GREW AND GREW UNTIL
A HUMONGOUS BEANSTALK GREW HIGH IN THE SKY. JACK TRIED TO CLIMB THE BEANSTALK BUT HE WEIGHED TOO MUCH.
IN FACT, ONE IN EVERY FOUR BOYS HIS AGE IS OVERWEIGHT. JACK BROKE THE BEANSTALK AND HE CRIED AND CRIED. THEN HE ASKED HIS MOM ABOUT IT AND SHE EXPLAINED TO HIM THAT HE WAS JUST “BIG BONED” NOT FAT. HE FELT BETTER ABOUT THIS AND DECIDED TO EAT A SNACK.
1. Once you go black, can you really ever go back?
2. Are there any freaks out there who can lick their elbows?
3. Is Walt Disney’s head held in a cryogenic chamber? Is this chamber housed in a lab somewhere on the outskirts of Tuscon, Arizona? If not Tuscon, what other midsize southwestern city could house such a facility?
4. If the hemoglobin in our blood was copper-based instead of iron-based, our blood would be green. Would this mean stop signs would be green?
5. What would happen to civilization if the movie Paulie was based on true events?
6. WHY are robots so eerie? Is it because they don’t have souls? Or is it because we know they could turn on us at any moment and begin the robot uprising?
ALL THIS AND MORE ON MYTHBUSTERS RETURNING THIS FALL!
"crazy myths lol." -Grant Imahara
Issue #1 for free digital download today!
Shallow Thoughts courtesy of Back Handy.